Reader Submitted Lyric - Chris Sexton - Let's Go Back

Reader Submitted Lyric - Chris Sexton - Let's Go Back

Hello Songwriter Nation!

Today we're going to try something a little different and go over a reader submitted lyric. Thanks to all who submitted. I ended up choosing this one from our friend Chris Sexton up in PA!

First…here’s the lyrics, then we'll dig into it, see if we can tighten it up!

Let’s Go Back

Chris Sexton

(verse)
The old rhododendron leans toward the window, hiding from the afternoon sun

Offering me protection as I stand in the basement doing all our laundry ‘til it’s done

My hand is reaching for the old wicker basket when something shiny catches my eye

A picture of two lovers on a honeymoon vacation smiling without having to try

Easy, simple, magical, pure

That’s how we looked when love mattered more

(chorus)
Let’s go back, back when we lived in our favorite jeans

Let’s go back, I’ll be your homecoming queen

Let’s go back, back to that first kiss, when we were just strangers

And our hearts were beating like we were in danger

We’ll be who we were, only better, let’s go back

(verse)
I wish I had bottled the smell of that coffee from your kitchen in that old college town

I’d open it up and breathe in completely filling up my lonely ‘til it drowns

Easy, faithful, magical, sure

That’s how it felt when love mattered more

(chorus)
Let’s go back, back when we lived in our favorite jeans

Let’s go back, I’ll be your homecoming queen

Let’s go back, back to that first kiss, when we were just strangers

And our hearts were beating like we were in danger

We’ll be who we were, only better, let’s go back

(bridge)
So put on that coffee, I’ll put down this shirt

Let’s pull back those covers and end all this hurt

(chorus)
Let’s go back, back when we lived in our favorite jeans

Let’s go back, I’ll be your homecoming queen

Let’s go back, back to that first kiss, when we were just strangers

And our hearts were beating like we were in danger

We’ll be who we were, only better, let’s go back

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The first thing I want to look at is the power positions of the verses and bridge. Let’s see how well they tell the story of the song...

The old rhododendron leans toward the window, hiding from the afternoon sun

A picture of two lovers on a honeymoon vacation smiling without having to try

I wish I had bottled the smell of that coffee from your kitchen in that old college town

I’d open it up and breathe in completely filling up my lonely ‘til it drowns

So put on that coffee, I’ll put down this shirt

Let’s pull back those covers and end all this hurt

The first thing I’ll say, is that I really like the idea behind this song. The couple wanting to go back to what was good, but notice that in the opening verse, the old rhododendron gets the most attention, and not the couple. It’s a great line, but I don’t think it should be in the opening position. The characters and their situation should be there...at least the singer. A better opening line would be about standing in the basement doing the laundry. Laundry isn’t as pretty as a rhododendron (and much easier to spell!) but it is real, and again, it introduces a character.

Second verse power positions are fine. I’m kind of iffy with using “that” to describe anything in a lyric, unless it is previously mentioned in the lyric. Describing the old college town as “that college town” doesn’t feel honest to me...you’d never say that in real life to somebody...

Hey honey, remember when we lived in that old college town?

It’s fake sentimental. It’d be much more powerful, real, and honest, if you used the real name of the town.

Hey honey, remember when we lived in Somerville?
Our apartment was so small that our shirts constantly smelled like coffee from our tiny kitchen

Our clothes smell too much like Bounce and Downy now

I should have bottled that smell to put in a batch of our darks every now and then

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Taking Ownership

Here’s another cool little tool to add to your bag of tricks. Turn your “the” of your songs into moments of ownership.

The old rhododendron...becomes “my” old rhododendron

The old wicker basket...becomes “my” old wicker basket

“My” could also be: our, their, your, etc.

Old Habits

Speaking of old rhododendrons and old wicker baskets...songwriters love to use the word “old” when describing objects. The problem is “old” is completely relative and in some ways is description neutral. For “old” to have any real effect it needs some kind of qualifier.

Change “old” into something more specific that the object actually is.

The waxy rhododendron

The thirsty rhododendron

The senile rhododendron (“senile” projects “old” without using old!)

The unraveling whicker basket

The stiff whicker basket

The tan whicker basket

The arthritic whicker basket

...the more specific you are, the more universal the description becomes. It’s sort of counter intuitive, but it works.

Verbinator

Describing objects with specifics is great, but if you REALLY want to inject power into your descriptions, look for your verbs. Great verbs are much cooler than great nouns.

The old rhododendron leans toward the window, hiding from the afternoon sun

My old rhododendron stumbles toward the window, squinting from the afternoon sun

My old rhododendron squints toward the window, cowering  from the afternoon sun

...I’m just brainstorming here, you’ll be able to find something much better.  Is there a way to connect the plant with the sun? If you were a plant and the sun was shining on you, what would you do?

The Bridge

“That” is used again to describe the coffee in the bridge...put on THAT coffee. It just doesn’t sit quite right. Put on the coffee. Put on some coffee. :)

:)

The Chronological Chorus

I love the detail in the chorus, but I’d arrange it to be more chronological, let the objects tell a story within your story, that way they become more like milestones, instead of objects.

Here’s the original...

Let’s go back, back when we lived in our favorite jeans

Let’s go back, I’ll be your homecoming queen

Let’s go back, back to that first kiss, when we were just strangers

And our hearts were beating like we were in danger

We’ll be who we were, only better, let’s go back

I’d start with the kiss, homecoming, favorite jeans...

Let’s go back, back to that first kiss, when we were just strangers

And our hearts were beating like we were in danger

Let’s go back, I’ll be your homecoming queen

Let’s go back, back when we lived in our favorite jeans

We’ll be who we were, only better, let’s go back

The internal story become is how the couple became comfortable. It feels more like a progression.

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Thanks for your willingness to put yourself out there Chris. Good luck with this. It really is a charming idea.

I hope the rest of you see ideas for you to tune up your own songs.

Now go write something charming.

~Shane

Sly – The Cat Empire - Harmony

Sly – The Cat Empire - Harmony

View the video HERE. Purchase on iTunes HERE.

Chemistry 101

I body is sort of based on three chords...E...A...B, but really what we’re hearing is a repeated bass pattern doubled by the guitar and electric piano. Here’s the notes, but you really should listen to it to hear what’s going on…

E...G#...A...G#...A

A...B...A...B

...over and over. So the harmony of the verse is created by a melody of the instruments, which is playing under the melody of the singer! You have this lower melody (of the instruments) playing and flirting with the main melody of the singer and lyrics. Hmmm? What’s the song about? Flirting! Isn’t that great prosody? It gets better!

[Side note]

My senior year I worked at Pizza Inn in Las Vegas. It was the best. All my friends worked there. We ran the place. Imagine that, a bunch of 18 year olds. Someday I’ll tell you about how I was the worst delivery driver ever, and how I sucked up  the French dressing with the central vacuum system, but today is not that day.

I was driving to work when I pulled up at a light next to a cute girl from my high school...actually, she had graduated a year earlier, an OLDER woman.  I was totally looking cool [Hair: feathered? Check!] in my inherited Datsun B210 (that Brian Walker nicknamed “Fluffy”).  She, in a yellow Camaro. I yelled out my window* “Hey, wanna trade?” She rolled down her window, “What?” I repeated, “Wanna Trade?” You know what happened? She laughed, not in a blow me off laugh, but in a cute, feathered hair kind of laugh. Game on, I thought.

I continued yelling, “Wanna Pizza?”

“A what?”

“A pizza! You know, crust, cheese, sauce.”

“A pizza?”

“Yeah...Pizza Inn...Boulder Highway...by Payless.”

“Oh...uh...why not?”

Can you believe that? She said “why not”!

We drove side by side. Kind of eye flirting at each other in our cars. Her V6 rumbling. Me being extra careful with the gas so it wouldn’t spew blue smoke. We pulled into the parking lot in front of the Pizza Inn. I couldn’t believe it. She laughed kind of sheepishly, I invited her inside. We found a table.

“Uh...I gotta go clock in. What kind of pizza do you want?”

“Clock in?”

“Yeah, my shift just started”.

“You work here?”

“Yeah...pepperoni? Canadian bacon? Pan?”

“Actually...” [Insert sound of yellow Camaro revving up...backing up cautiously...burning tread out of the lot.]

-----------------------

Chemistry – Continued...

Okay, that didn’t work out the way I had hoped. But for fifteen minutes we had something going. Anticipation, the unknown, the mystery of possibility...that is EXACTLY what is going on between the two melodies of this song, except in the song, the guy is actually smooth.

Chemistry 201

The first time we actually hear an honest-to-goodness chord is when (in the lyrics) the guy actually introduces himself to the girl (Aye...it’s a pleasure to meet ya, you look like one incredible creature...etc). Think about that for a moment. The entire verse is two melodies flirting together and playing off of each other and then BAM! They actually talk and...HARMONY!

Here’s the chords for those keeping score...

F#m.................................................A...................................B.........

Aye, it’s a pleasure to meet ya, you look like one incredible creature

A.......................................Bb...............................B......................................

Want to treat ya fine, let’s dance and grind, get so funk-inflicted it’s a crime

B...................................................................................

You’re divine, you’re sublime, and well, ya blow my mind

Here’s a couple of cool things about this section. First, notice how long they stay on the B chord. B, being the V chord, has a tremendous amount of tension. The V chord desperately wants resolution, and what wants resolution more than a guy trying to pick up a girl? Nothing. :)

Secondly, I love the little prosody smack on the Bb chord. Bb is non-diatonic, meaning it normally doesn’t belong in the key that the song’s in (the key of E, in case you’re wondering). Introducing a Bb in this key, at that moment, creates a brilliant little moment of friction...and what’s the lyric about at that exact moment? Dancing and grinding! What causes grinding? Yep...friction! Brilliant, eh?

Whether they did that on purpose or not is not the point. It still happened. That chord still sticks out at that moment. The question is whether YOU will choose to use a non-diatonic chord in a moment of YOUR song when YOUR lyric says something about friction, or tension, or grinding, or you just want to create a momentary speedbump of attention in your song. Yes, I am extremely happy about the two melodies finally coming together and becoming chords in this song (musically representing the two characters...blah, blah, blah). I get MORE excited knowing that we can use that type of technique in OUR songs.

Looking for way to breathe life into your music? There’s a freebie for you. Now, give me a second to send a waitress out. I’ll be in the back rolling pizza dough. By the way, stay far away from the French dressing.

Go write something with a non-diatonic chord.

~Shane

Sly – The Cat Empire - Melody

Sly – The Cat Empire - Melody

View the video HERE. Purchase on iTunes HERE.

Creating Contrast with Minor AND Major Pentatonic scales

Sly presents an interesting challenge because at least a third of the song is sort of sung/spoke…so the melody pops in and out. Even so, there’s some really interesting melodic contrast used VERY effectively between the verses and chorus.

The verse is primarily an E minor pentatonic scale (over an E major chord). I’m going to call this the rock and roll melody from now on because it happens so frequently. It allows the song to have some edginess credibility without losing the joy of the major chord.  

What’s brilliant is they switch to a (partial) E MAJOR pentatonic in the chorus. This allows the verse and chorus to have their own flavor…the chorus feels like it moves somewhere, even though the notes stay primarily in the same range. The chorus sounds fresh because the notes are NEW!

Creating Contrast with Melody Shape

Melodic shape is another area where these guys created contrast. (I should point out here that contrasting the melody in both sections keeps the song interesting…a lot of songwriters unknowingly fall into the trap of making their verse and chorus TOO similar, so that the chorus has no effect. The chorus becomes a rehash of verse ideas, instead of having its own personality). “Sly” allows both sections to have different personalities. The verse is edgier, while the chorus is party all the time. You get to rock and roll all night AND party every day.

The verse melody (when not being spoken) starts high, then falls down the scale and meanders between the root and b3 (which is what gives it the edge…because remember, he’s singing the b3 over a major chord).

The chorus melody moves back up…in fact, it tends to leap upward, which is another nice contrast. Imagine running down a flight of stairs in the verse, and then when you get to the bottom, you go back up, but instead of hitting every stair you leap over two or three pulling yourself up with the handrail. You cover the same distance in less time, which is exactly what happens between the verse and chorus melody. That’s a great trick to steal for your own songs

Melody Craftsman or Lucky?

Though the shapes stay consistent between the sections, the actual notes they sing vary wildly. I don’t think it’s a matter of luck, I think they just have good ears. I think some of the fun wildness of the song would be lost if the melody was “crafted” more than it was. Then again, without knowing how the song actually came about, we are left to guessing and speculation.

What does count is what we hear and how it affects us. Like I revealed yesterday, I love this song. It’s not perfect, but it makes me so very happy when I listen to it.

Now go write something that makes you happy.

~Shane

PS. The poll for the Saturday song is in a 3-way tie. That kind of surprises me. I wonder how it will turn out. Also remember that you can submit your lyrics HERE, for consideration to be analyzed on Friday’s blog.

Sly – The Cat Empire – Song Form

Sly – The Cat Empire – Song Form

View the video HERE. Purchase on iTunes HERE.

Rhyme Scheme –

Let’s go through the rhyme scheme of each verse since they aren’t consistent…

- Rhyme scheme = aabb, time/shrine/sorts/thoughts

If frizzy hair was a metaphor for festival time

Then this woman is a goddess of that festival shrine

Met her at a jam, in a garden of sorts

I must confess, god bless, some impure thoughts

- Rhyme scheme = aabb, night/pride/know/glowed

“Show us the money” was the call of the night

But no money could have bought even a piece of her pride

There might have been a sea of people, I don’t know

Because all I could see was how this woman glowed…

- Rhyme scheme = aaxa, killa/spill ya(!)/bean/vanilla

She caterpillar so good that all the Greeks go, “killa”

Break and enter, take you like a glass of milk, then spill ya
Saw her coming, what a scene, what I mean is she got the sex coffee bean
But she tastes like vanilla

…I should point out that there is the cool “what a scene/coffee bean” internal rhyme in the 3^rd line :)

- Rhyme scheme = aabb, floor/commodore/worthwhile/style

Well alright, she ignite when we hit the floor

Like the vroom on a V8 super commodore

Well if it makes a good story, well it’s just worthwhile

With her, it’s like dealing stories in a sprinkler style

- Rhyme scheme = xaaa, Jini/alright/stride/sly

Do the Louie, the J-J-J-Jinii

Do the boom-shak, hit the sack, hit the sack, back seat’s feeling alright

Do the Monkey shuffle, Rocket with a funk stride

Do the late checkout with a do not disturb sign outside…now do the Sly

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Chorus – Internal Rhyme-a-rama

This chorus is one of the best examples out there of how internal rhymes that are close together completely make the momentum of a song zip forward without changing the actual tempo of the song. They set the stage with the first line…

So, aye, it’s a pleasure to meet ya, you look line one incredible creature

…and then things just go bananas from here on out…

Want to treat ya fine, let’s dance and grind, get so funk-inflicted it’s a crime

You’re divine, you’re sublime, and well, ya blow my mind

You’re so sly

…by they end, things are absolutely cookin’.

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Alternative Rhymes –

If you came to this song for perfect rhymes, you will be hopelessly disappointed. The rhymes in this song completely crack me up with their ingenuity and spunk…my main favorite being killa/spill ya/ tastes like vanilla. I love alternative rhymes. I really do. I believe they are the future of songwriting. There are only two sets* of perfect rhymes in this whole song…

floor/commodore

worthwhile/style

*that isn’t completely true, there’s some perfect internal rhymes (crime/sublime, scene/bean, etc), but no other end of line perfect rhymes. Check out the variety…

***Advanced: I’ll put the rhyme type in italics***

time/shrine – nasal family rhyme (m, n, ng, are formed in the nasal cavity, and are in the same family)

sorts/thoughts – subtractive rhyme (the R sound was subtracted from the second word)

night/pride – plosive family rhyme (t, d…among others…are formed with little bursts of air, get it? “plosive/explosive”!)

know/glowed – additive rhyme (the D sound was added to the long O sound)

killa/spill ya – additive rhyme (the Y sound was added)

spill ya/vanilla – subtractive rhyme (the Y sound was subtracted)

alright/stride – plosive family rhyme

stride/sly – subtractive rhyme (the D sound was subtracted)

This tells you that you aren’t limited to just perfect rhymes all the time. There is an incredible amount of flexibility for both meaning and simply sounding fresh when you use alternative rhymes. There is not one single cliché rhyme in the bunch. If you are a beginning songwriter, a good place to start with alternative rhymes is additive and subtractive, where you take a consonant off the end, or put one on the end.  

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Verse/chorus contrast –

The biggest contrasting factor is with rhyme, no doubt. The verse are rhymes are pretty straight forward, mostly aabb. The chorus is jammed crammed with internal rhymes, but the ending words don’t match.

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Content?

Remember a few songs ago, I talked about how much I love lyrics where the character changes somehow. The character arc in this one isn’t huge, he goes from alone to dancing with the girl, but it still is a change. The song didn’t stay one dimensional by having him watch her the entire time. Besides, how bad can a song be where the first line mentions “frizzy hair”!

Alright…go write something irreverent.

~Shane

PS. Send me your original lyric if you would like it to be considered for analysis. Send it HERE.

Sly – The Cat Empire

Sly – The Cat Empire

View the video HERE. Purchase on iTunes HERE. Lyrics at the bottom of today’s blog.

Disclaimer: Not that anyone cares, but I decided to do a different song than what was originally on deck”. After a week of Pink, I didn’t feel like doing another female pop/rock thing. I guess you could say I exercised my perBLOGative. [Insert: sound of crickets, the tumble of a lone tumbleweed, the dead silence of nobody laughing at my pun...]

I was driving home from work a couple years ago when this brilliant, crazy, energetic, lyric mouthful of song blasted out of my stereo.  This song has the unusual distinction of being the ONLY song in the last 20 years (and probably more) that I actually called the radio station to request*. I even emailed the DJ thanking him for playing it, and asked that he keep it on their playlist (because everyone knows that DJ’s and not corporate entities control what is played on radio stations).

*[Side Note]

When I was in 1st grade I inherited a huge white AM radio from one of my sisters. I remember it having gold dials for some reason. I took a black Sharpie and drew a notch and a big “720” where I could find 720 KDWN easily on the dial. I used to call their DJ’s all time, most frequently at 7:19AM or PM to remind them that the time was about to be the same numbers as their AM frequency. There was a thrill of hearing the guy’s voice from the radio speaker in the earpiece of the phone. They were actually very nice considering how annoying I probably was. The last call I made to KDWN was to request Crocodile Rock, by Elton John, but I couldn’t quite remember the name. I wanted the song about the dancing lizard. It took a couple minutes but the voice on the phone figured it out. He even dedicated it to “my little friend in Henderson”. I was a changed man.

I love this band and the way they combine rock, ska, and funk…which is also a good way to describe “Sly”.  This song is a lyrical Rubik’s cube whimsical tongue-twister, that took me forever to understand, let alone transcribe. It’s bouncy on the surface but has some very compelling and deep roots. I love the fact that they recorded the album in Havana Cuba with smoking hot players…AND it has a piano solo! Ole! “Sly” comes from their album “Two Shoes” which is #10 on my all-time top-10 list…in case you were wondering.

I hope you like this as much as I did. Now go write something that will make someone want to call a DJ.

~Shane

PS. Remember, as always to cast your vote in the current song poll.

PPS. Your voices were heard. Starting this Friday, I will analyze and offer suggestions to YOUR lyrics. Post them in the comments by Wednesday. I’ll announce the “winner” on Thursday, and do the analysis on Friday. Deal?

PPPS. Every other Saturday, I’d like to analyze songs you’ve requested. Post your requests in the comments.

Thanks for your continued support. Here’s the lyrics…

Sly

(verse 1)

If frizzy hair was a metaphor for festival time

Then this woman is a goddess of that festival shrine

Met her at a jam, in a garden of sorts

I must confess, god bless, some impure thoughts

 “Show us the money” was the call of the night

But no money could have bought even a piece of her pride

There might have been a sea of people, I don’t know

Because all I could see was how this woman glowed…

(chorus)

So, aye, it’s a pleasure to meet ya, you look line one incredible creature

Want to treat ya fine, let’s dance and grind, get so funk-inflicted it’s a crime

You’re divine, you’re sublime, and well, ya blow my mind

It’s so sly

(verse 2)

She caterpillar so good that all the Greeks go, “killa”

Break and enter, take you like a glass of milk, then spill ya
Saw her coming, what a scene, what I mean is she got the sex coffee bean
But she tastes like vanilla

Well alright, she ignite when we hit the floor

Like the vroom on a V8 super commodore

Well if it makes a good story, well it’s just worthwhile

With her, it’s like dealing stories in a sprinkler style

(chorus)

So, aye, it’s a pleasure to meet ya, you look line one incredible creature

Want to treat ya fine, let’s dance and grind, get so funk-inflicted it’s a crime

You’re divine, you’re sublime, and well, ya blow my mind

You’re so sly

(verse 3)

Do the Louie, the J-J-J-Jinii

Do the boom-shak, hit the sack, back seat’s feeling alright

Do the Monkey shuffle, Rocket with a funk stride

Do the late checkout with a do not disturb sign outside…now do the Sly

(chorus)

So, aye, it’s a pleasure to meet ya, you look line one incredible creature

Want to treat ya fine, let’s dance and grind, get so funk-inflicted it’s a crime

You’re divine, you’re sublime, and well, ya blow my mind

You’re so sly